Funny Oneshots
by MaXiMuMrIDEisThEbeSTBoOkeVeR
Summary: A bunch of funny oneshots. Each chapter is it's own oneshot.
1. That Darn Paperclip

**DISCLAIMER: Me own-y nothing… sadly **

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**That Darn Paperclip:**

_Max POV_

We started school (no not the School) a few months ago, and winter break is in two weeks. My devilish math teacher decided to give us a giant report, and it's due the day before the break. Yay me… NOT!

So, I decided that maybe I should try, and emphasis on try, to be good - that means no sarcastic comments or punching people when they insult me.

I'm getting it done early. So, anyway, I just finished typing up my report on our computer - we came back to Mom's place - and I also printed it. I searched all over Mom's office, but I couldn't find a stapler.

After about twenty more minutes, I found the tape, but it thought that sticking to me would be much better than sticking to the paper.

Double-Sided tape: See Above. Same thing, just twice as sticky.

Glue - don't even go there, you don't want to know what happened.

I even tried folding the corner, but it wouldn't stay together.

Stumped, I sat down on the swivel chair. In my exasperation, I accidentally sat down too hard and the chair kinda fell apart.

Alarmed, I shoved the pieces into the closet that shared the office.

_There, Mom won't notice a thing - except the missing chair. _I thought. I'd deal with that chair later. That Max Ride card does come in handy sometimes…

So as I surveyed the room, my eyes fell on something I hadn't tried yet.

The paperclips. The window sent a beam of light onto the paperclips, you could almost hear the angels going ohhhhhhhhhhhh.

I grab one paperclip and attempt to stick it onto the paper. I wouldn't go on. After a series of trial and error, the paperclip is distorted into an unimaginable shape.

**(A/N Whitecoats to Bird Kids is the same as Maximum Ride to Paperclips)**

The next paperclip got lost in the carpet.

One fell- OK well, I threw it- out the window.

Another stabbed my thumb.

Anything that could go wrong did go wrong.

So as I look in the container, I only see one paperclip left.

Call me crazy, but I started talking to this one. As I approached it cautiously, I said "It's OK Mr. Paperclip, you're going to be put to good use on my report. Just come with me and it will all be fine, c'mon. That's it, good paperclip."

I've officially gone insane.

_You already are._

_Shut up Voice. _Oh, that wasn't the Voice, that was my subconscious…

Back to the lone paperclip.

There it was my hand was only two feet away.

One foot.

Nine inches.

Jeeze, what's with all of these exact measurements?

I'm sooo close to grabbing the paperclip when out of nowhere - OK, fine, entering from the window - comes a bird.

It all happens in slow motion.

The bird grabs the paperclip.

Swoops around the room.

Flies out the window.

Oh. This. Sucks. Like. A lot.

"GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

OK, I lost it, I seriously lost it.

Fang comes running into the room. Concern clearly written on his face.

"Max, what happened?" he asks.

"ugh," is my reply.

I notice one thing, and one thing only.

He.

Is.

Holding.

The.

Stapler.

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**So? How'd I do, I actually thought this was a very good story. The mighty Maximum Ride is no match for the Paperclip.**

**The part about the math assignment is partially true for me, except it's due in January... after break. And my math teacher isn't too bad, she just likes to give out homework.**


	2. The Slinky

**.hcum now t'nod I :REMIALCSID**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own much.**

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**The Slinky:**

_MAX POV:_

We had just gotten back from the arcade where Gazzy and Angel won this slinky.

We all crowded around the stairs to see the magical slinky do it's job. It didn't move at first, so Gazzy pushed it. The problem is, is that he pushed it a little too hard and it went sailing down the stairs.

Back up the stairs he trudged. This time, Angel gave the toy a light tap and it went down to the next step. And, that's where it stayed.

Then, Nudge stood at the bottom of the stairs and made the metallic slinky move towards her.

She misjudged the weight of the object and it smacked her in the face. Gazzy whispered the scene to Iggy who burst out laughing. That was not a good move to make, Nudge was red in the face with anger.

Next thing you know, Iggy's running for his life… he somehow hit a wall and fell flat on his back. Now, Nudge was laughing along with everyone else.

We momentarily forgot about the slinky, until somebody threw it at me.

I turned to see the guilty person, and I saw none other than Fang, who was smirking at me. I grab the nearest thing to me, which happens to be Total, and chuck it at Fang.

He dodges the projectile and Total hits Ella in the stomach. She falls back with an audible 'oof'.

Ella stumbles up from her place on the floor and is about to toss a hairbrush at me, but Iggy stumbles backwards and knocks Ella back to the floor.

Gazzy seizes the moment to do a victory dance on top of a disheveled Iggy.

I notice the slinky in the center of the room, and I walk over to it, but Angel senses my thoughts and heads for it too.

Now, it's a standoff between Angel and her leader. We circle the toy and I jump for it, but so does Angel and as we almost touch it, Nudge magnetically pulls it out of our way.

Soon, Nudge has been dog-piled on the floor and the slinky rolls out the door.

I faintly hear _clink, clink, clink._ The other flock members must have noticed too, as we were all trying to get out of the door at once.

It turns out that the _clink, clink, clink._ came from the slinky.

The slinky was going down the stairs.

And so was the flock, already fighting about who was going to push it down the stairs next.

I hate slinkies.

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**(How do you spell the plural of slinky? Microsoft Word doesn't have a clue either)**

**Good? Bad? Please tell me how I've done. You wouldn't believe how happy reviews make me. Share you're thoughts, whatever they are, they always help improve my writing. **

**-j **


	3. Attack of the Thumbtacks

**DISCLAIMER: I have no legal rights to the literature "Maximum Ride" therefore, using this 'disclaimer' you do not/cannot attain the ability to sue me for anything… in other words, I OWN NADA.**

_Attack of the Thumbtacks_

ANGEL POV

I was surrounded by rainbows and butterflies, skipping merrily through the field of pansies. My companions were Celeste and a unicorn named Dandelion, she liked to be called Dandi.

We were walking through the happy village of Sunshine when a cry, that was not happy or carefree, rang throughout the square. Little Liam the kitten was fleeing from the Joy-Toy warehouse.

Behind him, I could see the sun reflecting off of some objects. As I peered closer, I found out that those objects were thumbtacks.

My happy land with rainbows and butterflies suddenly turned into a dark, gloomy, desolate land, where there was no life at all.

I was running, from the evil thumbtacks. Suddenly, Max popped out of nowhere -dressed as a ballerina- and started battling the thumbtacks with a paperclip.

Fang appeared, dressed as superman, and started shooting staples at the snarling thumbtacks using his handy-dandy stapler.

My brother Gazzy looked like Santa Claus and was attacking using his primary weapon, double-sided tape.

Iggy and Nudge teamed up and were throwing cotton balls while spraying milk at the trees.

I turned around and started twirling and skipping and singing.

The thumbtacks started screaming in terror as I sung and I got mad, thinking that they thought I was a terrible singer.

I turned into a octopus and started spraying slime onto them.

Then, Iggy appeared with a giant cork board and a plunger.

He gave the plunger to Gazzy who made it turn into two plungers and handed one to Nudge. They started using the plungers to suction the thumbtacks. After they caught one, they stuck it onto the cork board.

Meanwhile, Max and Fang were hiding behind a desk lamp desperately hoping that the tooth fairy would give them gumballs.

After we had stuck all of the thumbtacks to the corkboard, Gazzy, Iggy, and Nudge ran off to be back up singers for the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Max started dancing some foreign dance, and Fang colored all of his clothes pink and starting singing I'm a Barbie Girl.

I woke up screaming. That was really horrible… I listened and heard a noise.

I stood up and peaked out the crack in my door, I saw Fang and he was singing…

"_I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie worldLife in plastic, it's fantastic!you can brush my hair…"_

**Poor, poor Angel, being subjected to such a fate as hearing Fang sing that… Reviews are nice… *hint hint***


	4. The Pancake Incident

**Oh My Fudgesicles!!! There's only four more days 'till Christmas… Merry Holidays Everyone! This is my only attempt at a Christmas oneshot- any Christmas related story for that matter. I hope it doesn't suck, and to all a good night?**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Maximum Ride.**

_The Pancake Incident_

MAX POV

We're at Dr. M's -my mom- house and, it's the morning of Christmas day. I recently started reading all of Mom's cookbooks, in an attempt to be a better cook. Except, it seems the flock caught on to my new hobby and they aren't letting me into the kitchen.

But today, I woke up extra early. I'm going to make breakfast for the whole flock.

I decided to start with something I couldn't mess up… pancakes. So, I got out the mix and read the package. _Add ½cup of water._ Water? Blegh water is bland but orange juice! Orange juice is not bland at all, and those cookbooks all said to be original!

So, I poured in ½cup of orange juice and read the next direction. _2 eggs_ Ok, so I read somewhere that the shell makes dog's coats shiny… why not human -or bird kid- hair? I whacked the heck outta the shell so it was in tiny pieces.

The packaging said that I only needed to add some oil and stir it up. _Oil? Hmmm OK, if they want oil they'll get oil._ And I walked out to the garage to get some oil. I stirred up the contents and stuck it in the oven, because I can't trust the stove top.

ANGEL POV

I groggily woke up and peeked into everyone's minds. I liked Nudge's dream, it was about candy canes and gumdrops - yum.

I noticed that Max was already up, so I saw what she was thinking.

_Ha, I'll show them. I can too cook, just look at these wonderful pancakes… although I wonder why they're black. Oh well, Fang will just like them better…_

A look of alarm passed across my face. I scurried into Fang's room as fast as my genetically enhanced legs could take me.

_FANG!!!!!_ I shouted into his dreamland.

_Wh-what Angel?_

_It's Max! She's COOKING! _He sat up, fully awake now. His usually unemotional face betrayed him and showed that he was really, really scared. That's not a surprise though; Max cooking is a very scary thing.

We rushed down the stairs and tackled Max, just as smoke started coming from the oven.

I got up and shut off the oven. Then, I threw away the mutated pancakes and coughed from the terrible odor they produced.

_Sorry Max, it's just that we like living very much and you kind of cannot cook… at all._

She frowned, and the commotion made everyone come downstairs. Iggy took a deep breath and started hacking.

"What happened?" he asked

"Max tried cooking," I answered him.

And sadly, that explained everything.

**OK, I know that there are people out there who have written stories about Max making messed up food. I did not write this intending to try and copy your stories. This just popped into my head and I hope that you don't get mad. Believe me, there are writers out there who can make Max's horrible cooking eighty times funnier than this. So, yeah. **

**MERRY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!**


	5. Sleepless Night

**Disclaimer: I do not own MR**

_Sleepless Night_

MAX POV

I was prodded to go to the -shudder- Mall because two members of the flock decided to torture me with their adorable bambi eyes.

We were gone for six hours. SIX freaking hours! I was getting a headache just thinking about it.

Once we got home, we ate our gigantic dinner and waddled off to bed.

I overate - hmm, no let me rephrase that. I ate more food than I normally ate so I wasn't able to go to bed, because somehow I managed to obtain a stomachache. Lucky me… not!

I tried counting sheep, but they just managed to turn into fluffy Erasers… trust me, you do not want to see that.

I gazed at my alarm clock, watching the numbers change from 12:13 to 1:34 to 2:15. This did not get me to sleep though; it only made me more aware of my insomnia.

So, I did the next best thing I went on a flight. When I got back, the clock read 3: 45. I was really starting to doubt that I would get enough sleep. And just like that, I was tired.

I was finally about to lull into sleep when I heard the noise that put the creature in the number one spot on my To Kill list (I don't really have one of those, but it would be handy).

"Meeeeoooowwwwwaa"

"Ugh," was all I said.

I stuck the pillow over my head and scrunched up into a ball under my sheets. I waited for ten minutes; it seemed that the cat stopped.

I was ready to fall asleep again when

"Meeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwaaaa"

I went over to the window and looked outside; I couldn't see the dang cat anywhere.

I didn't even bother with going back to bed; I pulled a chair up to the window and sat.

Five minutes later, not a sound.

Ten minutes.

Twenty minutes.

Twenty fi-

"Mmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaa"

I search around the room for something all the while thinking _'How the heck does the flock not hear this ?!?!'_

I found a combat boot and chucked it in the general direction of the cat. That'll teach that disgusting feline to mess with me.

I heard a satisfying 'Thwack' and went back to bed.

I waited a whole hour, but the cat didn't make a sound.

I was finally about to get to bed…

BUT

The first rays of light were coming through my window.

I decided to ignore the sun and covered my head, to my disappointment, Nudge and Angel came bounding into my room chattering excitedly about some uninteresting thing.

They managed to pull me out of bed and downstairs.

As I entered the kitchen, I looked around the room.

It took a few minutes for it to piece together, but my face twisted into a murderous expression.

I saw a boot-shaped mark on a certain bird boy's face.

**Who did it? Take your guess, I honestly didn't have anything planned to make one of the boys responsible, so it's up to you. Tell me who you thought it was that was keeping Max up. And, I'm getting uninspired. So, you, being my wonderful readers can go onto my profile and vote in a poll on what I should write about next. Keep reading and reviewing please. Reviews are my life… well part of it anyway.**

**HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!**


	6. Fang's Stapler

**Disclaimer: This is the last time I will repeat it, I DO NOT OWN MAXIMUM RIDE OR IT'S CHARACTERS. I AM NOT, IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM, JAMES PATTERSON. **

**Just a little note here, Fang will be out of character… it's the only way I can make him funnier. And the beginning sentences are supposed to be like that, I did not make an error. Oh, and many thanks to the four people who voted on my poll for another story.**

_Staplers are Fun_

FANG POV

Max took Nudge and Angel to the grocery store to do some shopping and Iggy and Gazzy were probably off building more bombs in the forest.

I decided to explore Dr. M's office while she was at work and Ella was at school. I found a small container of paperclips, some tape, a rubber band, and a black square-shaped thing.

It. Was. A. Stapler.

Nothing like a good ole stapler to bring out the inner child.

I squeezed it and it made an awesome sound.

I kept squeezing that stapler until all of the staples ran out.

I set it aside momentarily so I could search the office for more staples.

In cupboard number one, I found a few cds, some Christmas cards, and a brochure for a wonderful vacation in 'Forks, Washington'. I picked it up.

"_Please Come to Forks, Washington._

_It's always sunny* here in the wonderful destination that we have the fortune of calling Forks. …"_

There was more to it, but I decided that anyplace called 'Forks' should be home of the world's best restaurants.

I rummaged around in the second cupboard and found nothing but a few of Ella's school papers.

I did find an economy sized bottle of glue, though.

When I opened the first desk drawer, I finally found what I was looking for, and then some.

There were EIGHTY BOXES of staples, and in each box there were FIVE HUNDRED staples… this could be fun.

I carted all of the staples into my room and proceeded to fill the mechanism and squeeze each staple into a compressed form.

_Thirty-five minutes later…_

I heard the front door open and assumed that Max and the other girls were back from the store.

Ten minutes later, when I had gone through six boxes of staples, I decided to check on the condition of the household.

Angel and Nudge were talking about… mustard?!?

I could see Iggy and Gazzy in the back yard and they were throwing rubber duckies at each other.

I saw that Max was in the office and she was furiously typing away at the computer doing what looked like a math project we had.

Satisfied that the Erasers hadn't captured us, I returned to my task.

I figured that if the stapler and I were going to be working together to build a staple-ruled world, then I couldn't just call it 'The Stapler'.

I decided on Mo. Short and simple so I wouldn't forget what it was. Now, if I left the naming task to Nudge she would probably come up with 'Freddy the Mystical Black Unicorn in Disguise as a Stapler' or 'FMBUD'.

I just don't think I could handle that.

_Twenty minutes later…_

I was just about to start on box number forty-five when(insert dun dun duhhhhh here)

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Alarmed, I ran over to the last place I saw Max, the office.

I brought Mo with me just incase there was a sudden Eraser attack.

Max stared at me then I saw her gaze shift down to poor little Mo.

Her eyes once again drifted up to my face, but her look was not dejected, like before.

Oh no, Max's gaze was murderous.

**So, how was this one? I have a poll up on my profile, if you guys wanna vote for the next story I do. I've been losing inspiration. If you have any suggestions, please review or pm me. As soon as I get at least 18 reviews, I'll give ya another story. **

**-maximumrideisthebestbookever**


	7. When Jello Attacks

**Have you guys ever heard of the Evil Cannibalistic Vampire Marshmallow-Apple Kid with wings? It is the brilliant creation of my wacko friends and I. If I could only figure out the scanner on our printer, then I could put it as my profile picture. Sadly, I have no clue what so ever on how to operate the darn thing.**

**Anyway, you voted(all four of you) and here is your choice…**

_When Jell-o Attacks_

IGGY POV

I woke up this morning and I saw…

Black.

Black.

Black.

More black.

Bl- hey, this bed sheet is light blue with a streak of white.

With my super-duper advanced hearing, I could tell that two sets of footsteps, most likely Nudge and Angel were headed my way.

Sure enough, I could hear my door being opened.

3

2

1

Sqqqqqquuuuuuuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllll

"Iggy, Iggy, Iggy, Iggggggyyyyyy!!!!!" they both whined excitedly.

"What?"

"I found this thing in the pantry called Jell-o we just have to, have to, have tooooooo make it. I wonder what it'll look like, maybe it will be like snow, but more colorful. I wonder if they make it in yellow, that would be weird 'cause then if it was like snow it would be yellow snow… yellow jell-o, yellow jell-o, yellow jell-o, doesn't that sound wei-"

She was silenced by my saying that we would make jell-o.

I had just stirred the powder into the hot water when I heard Max come into the kitchen.

I was concentrating so hard on stirring, that I didn't hear Max say "Ooh, I bet this'll taste good."

I heard the plunk of something going into my bowl, and immediately shooed Max out of the kitchen.

_Oh. My. God. What the heck did she do to the Jell-o? There is no way that you'll catch me eating this stuff now. I better warn Angel and Nudge when it's done._

Other than that, I though nothing of it.

Angel and Nudge were disappointed to find out that the Jell-o would need to be in the refrigerator for at least a long time.

The others went for a fly while I got stuck here watching for trouble. I kind of liked not having to go with them, it gives me time to make more bombs.

_Twenty minutes later…_

I had just finished making my one-hundredth bomb when a sound from downstairs alarmed me.

I went slowly, listening for the heavy pounding of Eraser feet.

It never came.

I was about to write it off as a false alarm when I heard… the refrigerator door opening?

I crept down the stairs to find out if I could hear anything else.

_Slosh, slosh, slosh._

I was suddenly on the ground, a big lump of goop was on top of me.

_What the…_

I was jumped on by yet another blob. Reaching out with my hands, I could tell that these creatures were human or beast… and that they were blue?

It all came back in a rush:

The jell-o.

Max's mystery ingredient.

The red sock in the laundry… wait, that's not relevant.

ANYWAY

What ever Max dropped into blue-raspberry Jell-o I was making somehow created these Jell-o blobs.

Ok, well if these monsters were mostly water then all I had to do was dehydrate them.

I ran to where the kitchen was and searched the containers for flour.

I started randomly throwing flour all over the place, but the monsters just kept coming.

_HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT GETS RID OF JELL-O?!?!?!?!?!?!_

Oh, right, that would work… and I am quite hungry.

_One hour later…_

I had successfully destroyed the last Jell-o monster and now had a severe stomachache.

I flopped down where the couch was supposed to be, except it must've moved because I fell on the floor.

Sighing, I got up and searched around for the couch.

Except, the problem is, is that I accidentally set off one of my bombs and the house kind of exploded.

_Good thing the flock isn't here right now… Wait, where are they anyway. It's been over an hour and a half. Maybe I should go ou-_

"IGGY!!!!!!!!!" uh oh

"WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED TO OUR HOUSE?!?!?!?!" gulp Max is going to kill me, then drown me, then kill me again.

"Bu-but the Je-jell-o monsters came and then they were all over and I had to eat them and then I was going to sit down, but set off a bomb and BOOM the house exploded and IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"My fault? What?"

"You put that stuff in my Jell-o," I reminded her.

"Uh, Ig I didn't do anything to your precious Jell-o"

Next thing I knew, I heard clapping.

I sensed everything faded away.

Then I was back in the training room.

_Well, that was weird._

**I hated this one actually, I couldn't figure out a way to end it. Anywho, lets see if I can get to 25 reviews, then you get another chapter/story. Suggestions are greatly appreciated, same with reviews. Oh, and tell me if you want a story about Total and his dream or Nudge and some note cards.**

**-maximumrideisthebestbookever**


	8. The Random Highlighter Story

**DiScLaImEr: I oWn NoThInG rElAtEd To MaXiMuM rIdE**

_The Highlighter:_

MAX POV

Angel and Nudge convinced me to go shopping. How you ask? Two words - Bambi Eyes.

I think there is something wrong with those two, they were obsessed with the most random things lately. One week it was headphones, the next it was binder paper.

Their latest obsession, highlighters. We walked into Office Max - the name did creep me out, seeing as my name is Max…

I'm serious when I say that they were looking at two different highlighter packs for EIGHT HOURS, deciding which one to choose. And get this, in the end, we bought both.

As we flew back home, I could hear Angel chattering excitedly to Nudge about some weird fantasy involving highlighters.

So to ward off boredom, I started a mental list of what they'd been obsessed with in the past few weeks:

Checkers

Soap

Tortillas

Windows

Erasers - the rubber kind

The "y" button on Fang's computer's keyboard

CD cases, not the actual CD, the case…

There were way more things than that, but I was starting to get a headache and we were just coasting down to the house.

We barely landed when Nudge and Angel dashed off to the room we were sharing.

I walked in after them and sat down on my bed, curiously watching to see what they were planning.

They appeared to be talking in Angel's head, and therefore it seemed to be none of my business. Muahaha! So wrong you are there! It's always my business! For I am the ALMIGHTY LEADER of the FLOCK.

…Whoa I got a little carried away there. (insert Max laughing nervously)

And during my mental rant, I never noticed the evil smile plastered on both Nudge and Angel's faces.

_NOTE TO SELF: Evil smiles are WORSE, let me repeat WORSE than Bambi Eyes!!!!!!!!!_

It's safe to say that I hightailed it out of there faster than you can say _"Maximumrideisthebestbookever" __**(A/N: I'm so not self-centered I swear!) **_Well, you'd have to be talking really slowly because if you were Nudge then maybe I wouldn't be that fast beca---

OWWWWW!

I just hit a rock.

Oh wait.

It was Fang… well, technically Fang is a rock because of his non-emotionalness (I shall copyright that word someday) and because he's rock solid.

I swear that I will not be a complete weirdo and call Fang 'dreamy' or 'hot' or any other variation of 'Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome' _**(A/N: I do not intend to hurt the feelings of any fan girls I'm one myself… FaNs RuLe! And I don't mean the electric kind) **_But, you know, I technically did say that I wouldn't call him any of the above mentioned qualities but listing them actually says that I sort of did call him any of the above mentioned qualities. This makes me realize that I've been an idiot so I slam my head repeatedly into the nearest thing.

Just guess what that thing is.

If you guessed a rubber chicken then YOU'RE … wrong.

If you guessed Fang, then YOU'RE… right, sadly.

This causes me to feel so horrible that I jump of a cliff… HA you wish.

Nope all I do is head to the kitchen.

Where I forget that I can't cook whatsoever and set the oven, and FREEZER on fire. _I'm so great that I can set freezers on fire! _That comment caused Iggy and Gazzy to burst into laughter and it takes me about three minutes to figure out the cause of their laughter.

I said the stupid thought out loud.

*****MEANWHILE*****

_Narrator-like voice: Hello wonderful viewers and this is Bob from RandomRoomMADNESS televison and we're-------_

THIS IS NOT A DRILL *BEEEEEEP* THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BRODCASTING SYSTEM………..(blah blah blah) *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP* (the message cuts off half of the lovely announce from the Narrator-like voice) _and after that riveting thing that some person from some place said, we return to the area where the rare Nudgoinian and Angelopogus formulate their plans to capture their prey._

Some Person from Some Place: -nervous laugh- That wasn't weird at all.

TO THE ROOM!!!!!!IN THIRD PERSON!!!!!

"Ah HA!" said none other than Angel, "Our plan to rule the world by attacking with highlighters is a go."

This statement is followed by laughing courtesy of Angel herself.

*Laugh*Laugh*

*cough*

*choke*

*almost dies*

"LIKE OMG ANGEL!!!! ARE YOU OK? Max would totally kill us if she found out that you could've died. I mean if you did die then she would probably wind up finding some way to resurrect you then kill you again and then repeat the process like five million bazillion times. Do you want to die? Are you suicidal? Do you need to see that psychiatrist again? Angel are you ok? Why are you looking at me like you want to kill me. You don't want to kill me! C'mon it was just a joke I wont tell on Max. Please please please."

Angel decides to let Nudge ramble and retreats to her so called "emo corner" to finish formulating her take over the world plan. As soon as she stands up and prepares to leave the room with a giant gun twice her size, Total walks in the room.

Everyone freezes.

"I'm just gonna pretend I didn't see anything," says Total as he slowly backs out the door. Little did they know that Total was so inspired by Angel's dramatic change that he decided to grab Akila and jump off a cliff declaring their love for each other with a series of barks from Akila and a monologue from Total about this Australian Shepherd and how it found it's true love or whatever it was.

At the precise moment they jump to their deaths, a jumbo jet flies under them and scoops them safely up from imminent death. Once on land, Total grumbles some profanities and retreats to his dog house leaving poor Akila to sniff the roses alone.

Poor Max, on the other hand, had finished making a fool of herself and was a front seat viewer to Total and Akilas' weird act of love displaying. Needless to say, she was emotionally scarred for life… she thought things wouldn't get worse.

I guess she didn't see Angel yet.

Max did have a heart attack but the oh so "hot" **(emphasis on the air quotes!!!!) **Fang (with the hair that makes him look like a woman) manages to save Max's life. Angel just stares and stares and stares until Max and Fang cringe with fear.

The watch in silence as Angel reaches behind her and pulls out of her pocket….

…..

……

……..A.

Highlighter.

Then Max and Fang stare and stare and stare at each other until they burst out laughing.

Angel decides to click a button on the top of the highlighter.

Max gulps.

Fang gulps.

Akila sniffs more roses… alone.

Total curses.

Nudge marries a door.

Iggy and Gazzy scream NOOOOOO!!!!!.

As for the highlighter, it turned into a fluffy kitten that chased Total around until he stopped screaming profanities.

THE END

Some Person from Some Place… AGAIN: -laughs nervously- That toooootally wasn't weird either.

**I don't care if it doesn't make sense. It's 12:54am right now, I'm half dead (not literally) and I fear that if I don't put something up then I'll be killed by fan girls. Technically that means I might kill myself ( I DON'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!!! ) due to the fact that I'm an obsessed fan of M.R. so I am a fan girl (but I don't squeal obnoxiously I don't even squeal at all) and the reason for all of those air quotes on the words about your Fang is that I refuse to call him any of those things. Because:**

**A) My friends would die laughing. **

**B)My friends would find other people and have them die laughing too.**

**And C) it doesn't seem right**

**Thank you all for reading and I want 35 reviews for another story. SUGGESTIONS HELP TOO SO PLEASE HELP ME OUT!!!! Plus the wacky tense/ point of view switching was purposeful… I think.**


	9. Max's Insanity

_I know it's been a terribly long time since I have posted on this website, I'm not even sure I remember how to put stuff up anymore(obviously if you read this then I figured it out). I don't know how often I'll get around to posting, but I just want to tell you all I'm sorry I let you all down by no posting faithfully. I want to thank you all for your kind and super awesome comments, you're the best! Seriously, it brings a smile to my face to be appreciated. And without further ado, here's the latest from the depths of my insane mind!_

_Max POV_

There I sat, contemplating the very reason I sat there. I glanced at Fang to my right and Iggy to my left. Angel, Nudge, Gazzy, and Total glared at us from their positions across the room. I tried very hard to suppress my giggles remembering how we got here.

Maybe I should back up a little.

It seems like it was just yesterday… oh wait it was just yesterday. Anywho, I was just minding my own business snooping around the house looking for something that would help me figure out why this world was so unforgiving when it came to my relationship with paperclips. As per usual, I found nothing to help me in my quest and decided to bug Fang.

So I walk into his room and to my surprise I find him furiously trying to hide the screen of his laptop. Of course, as the motherly figure, I make it my duty to know exactly what everyone in this house is doing so I shove him away from the computer and stare at the screen. It only takes about a millisecond to bust up laughing.

My hilarious screeching laugh causes Iggy to run in and exclaim "I heard the sound of a cat dying! Is everyone okay?"

Obviously I took offense to that and grabbed my trusty sidekick and smack him on the head with it. Oh you thought I meant Fang? No, my frying pan is the only one I can trust!

So anyway I'm all "Hey Iggy look at this!" but of course he just looks at me like I've gone insane, but considering everything that's happened in the past few weeks I might just believe him until I realize his vision impairment.

"Oh, sorry buddy forgot you can't see. Hey why don't you take this funky potion that some non-creepy doctor just gave to me the other day!"

So Iggy takes the potion and then for some _weird_ reason he starts sparkling and then he turns pink! So obviously I forget why I was laughing at Fang's computer and start laughing at Iggy's new complexion. Fang also joins me in laughing but I decide I want to soak in the moment myself so I grab my frying pan and knock him out. But of course Total just happens to walk past the room at that second and starts staring at me like I'm some sort of crazy obsessive mad-woman who uses frying pans as weapons.

_He's right!_

_Oh won't you shut up already Voice! _Oh no… that was my subconscious again wasn't it? I should probably see a shrink… unless she tells me life isn't for everyone…

So anyway back to Total. Well he decided that he should start running away so I was fine with that and decided to go back to my crazy laughing spree. But I decided that Iggy being pink wasn't very funny anymore and that's when I glanced at Fang's computer again. Man! This is too funny! Who would have thought that he, of all people, would be looking up the lyrics to I'm a Barbie Girl? There's _**no**_ way he'd sing that! Is there…?

At that moment, Angel walked past my room, saw what I was looking at, glanced at Fang and screamed and ran away yelling about nightmares or something like that. Crazy kid. We all know she's gonna attack us with some weirdo pen machine gun some day!

So apparently Angel had gone running off to Nudge who, upon hearing what Angel knew, fainted because her dreams of being the best pink colored Barbie girl singer were ruined!

I'm not sure how Gazzy took much offense to this whole day. I mean it's not like I made him dress up in a fairy-princess outfit… that was last week!

It's so difficult to be appreciated as the wonderful non-bossy magnificent leader of the mighty flock! They should really start paying me for how good I am!

Well I was getting pretty bored laughing at the same things over and over and decided to go look for some permanent markers. While the two bird-boys were out cold I decorated their faces with rainbows, hearts, and unicorns. I also gave them blue colored mustaches, which looked especially hilarious with Iggy's pink skin.

Speaking of pink… I decided that Fang needed a new hair style so I chopped most of it off and found a few bottles of hair dye. Needless to say, I'm sure he's rocking the pink do quite nicely. - snickers -

But without warning, Ari burst in the room!

"HOLY HAMBURGES IT'S A DEAD GUY! LIKE OH EM GEE!"

Hey it's Nudge again! Oh wait… that was my exclamation… how about we forget that all happened?

Then, like I totally didn't expect it, Angel bursts into the room with her wacko pen machine gun and scares the crud outta everyone - except Fang and Iggy who were still snoozing on the floor.

So Ari disappears and Fang and Iggy finally wake up and I manage to convince them that, no, I did not draw on them - giggles insanely - and that it was in fact Total who had done all of this!

Angel reaaaaaaaaally didn't like me blaming her precious little poochie, especially because Fang and Iggy dyed him a lovely shade of burnt orange as a punishment (Total claimed that the color completely clashed with his drapes, apparently Akila agreed even though I think she secretly enjoyed making fun of him).

Well it goes without saying that Angel used her creepy mind control to make Nudge and Gazzy and Total side with her, because, really we didn't do anything wrong!

Hey? Aren't I supposed to be in charge of all these kids? Yeah! Me the might Maximum Ride! It's all MINE! They **will** bow down to me! … Um… you didn't hear that… right?

Well anyway… BYE!

_So yeah it sucks and yeah I wrote it in twenty minutes but I just felt bad leaving you guys with nothing to read. I hope it isn't too bad and I hope you'll find it funny like my other stuff. Thanks for sticking with me, but if I said I was gonna post more I'd be lying. I hardly have the creativity it takes to write humorously anymore. It was great while it lasted but this may be the last of me… only time will tell, right? _

_-MaXiMuMrIDEisThEbeSTBoOkeVeR_

_P.S. I'm eternally grateful for how fantastic the readers on this website are, you make people's work feel so wonderful - it's a miracle in itself. So thanks, to all of you._


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